Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize