You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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