The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
