Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
