She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
