Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
