I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
