I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
