I faked an abortion last night.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
