i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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