just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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