I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
