Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
