Soap is not a condiment
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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