I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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