The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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