I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
