if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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