My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
