her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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