You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
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My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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