I could make wine with my vomit
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
