did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
