Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
