I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, beer. Big fan.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
