conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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