I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
