Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
