Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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