A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
