you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
