My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
a search helicopter?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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