I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Randomize
