WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
