Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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