never play flip cup with pint glasses
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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