my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
this is an emotional support booty call
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
