I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
