I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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