My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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