Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
