I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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