I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i now understand why vodka
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
