he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We got so high we made milksteak
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
