if i can run in heels then i can drive
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
