and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
