The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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