surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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