i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
