How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
