New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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