: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
