did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
