Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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