i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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