tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
